Ah, the office.
While it has its benefits (having an outdoor job would be a major pain in the UK), it also has quite a few drawbacks.
Have a look at the things you quickly realise when you start working in an office.
1. Forget your personal space
Tensions can get high in an office, which you can pretty much chalk down to the fact that everyone’s so damn close.
2. You sit in silence as you instant message people who are within touching distance
This is normal to you now.
3. You hate colleagues who bring their sickness to work
Good of you to share those germs in this crowded and enclosed space.
4. Tensions evaporate when free food is added to the mix
Food… is there anything it can’t do?
5. Conversational confusion is commonplace
As people are talking all around you about stuff that seems important, you’re not exactly sure if you’re part of the discussion or not.
6. Shop runs are rife with danger
Easy tiger, slow down. You cannot leave the office without returning with gifts from the outside world.
7. Offering to make tea is equally hazardous
Oh, you just made tea for yourself? Selfish bastard.
8. When a workmate takes their due holidays (even though everyone else is also entitled to them), they are just the worst
9. Signing cards for people you don’t know is a thing
“I sincerely hope you have a great birthday… I wanna say Alan?”
10. Birthday cake etiquette is a minefield
Someone tell the birthday girl to cut the f*cking cake already.
11. Your co-workers will ALWAYS be either too hot or cold
There can be no in-between.
12. The 3pm slump is real
This is the point in the day where your life seems meaningless, everything is bleak, and you have a full-on existential crisis over the sheer futility of all this paper pushing…
Coffee usually sorts that right out though.
13. Coffee dependency is the only thing that can save you
Ah, good ol’ coffee: the lubricant that keeps this whole shitshow running.
14. Having a computer screen that no one can see is the dream
Book a holiday? Don’t mind if I do.
15. In this crowded and open space, prepare for all conversations to be common knowledge
There can be no secrets from the office.
16. “Plans for the weekend?”
You’d better know the answer to that question every Friday.
17. You get strangely giddy when you have the place to yourself
The office is your oyster.
18. And passive aggression is rampant
It’s your only option really, because in a modern, civilised workplace, you just can’t tell your colleagues to go fuck themselves.
I learnt that the hard way.