Christmas is a time for family – and that can be a real pain in the arse sometimes.
So, to make things just a little bit more fun, we put together 15
fantastically entertaining lies tall tales with which you can regale
your younger relatives, should you draw the short straw and be stuck at
the kiddies’ table.
Use responsi… actually no, don’t.
1. Mince pies are made of minced meat
Easy, simple, effective – and seasonal.
2. That present you got was a mistake, and it’ll be swapped for coal later on in the day
It happened to one of your other cousins one year, and he’s never really gotten over it.
3. Robins are Santa’s helpers
And that you must be good EVERY TIME THERE IS A BIRD IN THE SKY.
4. Adults can read your thoughts
And there’s an official passing over ceremony at your 18th.
Don’t think anything bold now…
5. ‘Santa got you something shit’
The ultimate seed of doubt.
6. Animals talk when you’re not in the room
And throw parties when you leave the house.
7. If you wee in the shower, it comes out the nozzle
Like a fountain.
This just encourages good hygiene, if nothing else.
8. Every time you lie, you get a spot
Bit shit when you realise it’s not that simple, but pretty solid until then.
9. Everyone only gets to use 1,000 words a month
And when you use them all up, you can’t speak until the next month.
So when they’re starting to annoy you, just say ‘you’ve just hit 900’
10. There’s no TV on at night because that’s when the characters go to sleep
Sure, when else would they rest?
11. Chocolate milk comes from brown cows
And liquorice milk from black ones.
12. You only see fairies/aliens/unicorns if you’re really good
‘What? You haven’t seen one? Try being better’
13. ‘Oh, this isn’t Coke, it’s black water’
(Game-changer when you’re running out of mixer)
14. I hear you’re allergic to Celebrations
Illegal move by an adult eyeing up the final Galaxy Caramel – survival of the fittest rules supreme.
15. If you don’t wash your hands, they’ll fall off
Cleaning up this world one stinking child at a time.