It’s that time again – the Christmas staff party is back, the one office event of the year that never fails to provide quality entertainment for weeks afterwards.
Maybe you’ve booked the coolest new cocktail bar in the city for your office to celebrate in.
But if you’ve convinced yourself that this year will be the year of an interesting and civilised party – now, we’re sorry to break this to you, but you’re wrong.
It is almost guaranteed that at least one of the below will happen at every Christmas staff party. It’s just like playing bingo, but with real life cliches. Will your office party tick all the boxes?
1. You will make a new work BFF
That girl whose style you have been admiring for the past six months? It’s your lucky night, you’re going to bond over a love of sequins and Primark’s finest. The bad news is that realistically, one or both of you will drunkenly overshare so much that you will be too embarrassed to ever talk again. Enjoy the bonding on the night while you can!
2. The shy guy turns wild
David from accounts may seem like the quietest person in the whole building, but give him some Jäger and that tie will get loose.
Like, dancing-on-the-tabletops-and-streaking-down-Market-Street kind of loose.
3. Innocent flirting becomes real romance
Look, everyone knows the two of you have had a poorly hidden crush on each other since first meeting.
You’ll spend all evening getting glammed up, make eyes across the bar and before you know it you’re acting like you’ve been together since The Notebook came out. Good luck lovers, this romance usually has a short lifespan (or a one night span).
4. You make a run for it – before they carry you out
We’ve all done it at one stage or another. Started drinking too early, time stands still and then suddenly starts again and now you’re way too drunk to be in public. Leaving without saying goodbye and doing a disappearing act is all well and good until the next day you realise your work friends didn’t even notice you left.
5. Secret Santa presents will always disappoint
As 100% one of the most stressful gift-giving inventions known to man, these should be banned.
Without fail, you will be the person who has spent hours searching for the perfect gift that would make your colleague’s Christmas, probably even going over budget so as not to appear cheap. What do you get in return?
Something with the word ‘novelty’ on the packaging.
6. You’re stuck at the boring end of table
Whatever happened to sticking together guys? “Guys?!” Sorry, your friends can’t hear you because they’re having so much fun at the other end of the group.
You’re just going to have to suck up the seating punishment for being late and hope that the fun people will still include you in their private jokes later on in the night.
7. Half the group will get refused from the club
This will cause mass panic and true loyalties will be revealed. Which group to stay with? One is bound to have a much better night than the other, but both will deny this to the ground and insist their sub-group had more fun.
If all goes well there will be a reunion later that night in spoons anyway, so don’t fret.
8. Someone will inevitably throw up
Some absolute numpty will suggest a round of shots for everyone, probably hoping that the company will pay. But remember, free alcohol does not equal good alcohol.
Even the strongest of stomachs can fall prey to a shot of tequila. Pray to the alcohol gods that it isn’t you.
9. The boss tries to be your best friend
As the drinks keep flowing, it’s only natural that people get a bit more relaxed than usual.
What isn’t natural however, is when your company El Jefe starts spilling their deepest and darkest secrets to you across a G&T.
Expect inappropriate hand grabbing, a whispered confession that you’ve always been their favourite, a friendship proposal, Snapchat add and a promise of a promotion that, we guarantee you, will never see the light of day once the booze wears off.